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Posted in True Story, Inspirational

Everyday is a blessing

After my last rant on my last blog, I have been reluctant to write. Afraid what might pour out. To a certain extent ashamed of my outburst. I have had my fair share of hurdles in the past to overcome and I am usually calm and collected and take it on my stride. I am usually someone who listens to logic. This time my behavior surprised me, almost scared me. It really troubled me not to be in control.

Every word, any word uttered by my husband annoyed me. He was giving me logical solutions. He couldn’t understand, that I was well aware of the logic, I was well aware of all the data, the probabilities, but I just couldn’t control my emotions. My brain kept going into a very negative nook.

My eldest living in another state and at that time my youngest in the UK didn’t help the situation. I didn’t want to discuss this with the youngest until he got back home. Which made my skype calls very strained. Each time he asked me the most common greeting/question “How are you? how are things?” I found it difficult to answer and I feared that he may sense the discomfort.

Hubby gradually understood that I didn’t need solutions and reminder of logic, I just needed a one way sounding board. The boys took the news much better than I expected. Even though I still feel guilty that I carry this mutated gene that I may have passed it on to them, they don’t feel that way. But I have accepted the fact the first step is for the boys to be tested – tested to see if they carry the gene. There is no point in worrying about the next stage until that. Next thing I have to vehemently tell myself is, the boys need me, I cannot drop the ball now.

My workaholic hubby made a booking for a weekend getaway to Cape Jervis and that really did help and hurry along the calming process. In my next blog I will talk about Cape Jervis and surrounds, it is indeed a magical part of South Australia.

My eldest is back from Sydney and today is the D-Day for the test. We took the boys to Willunga Hill yesterday to have lunch at ‘Our Place’
http://www.willungahill.com/

Beautiful drive, spectacular scenery, Food – simply divine, Andy – the chef and host – such a character. To be there as a family and enjoy all this was blissful. Even then at the back on my mind, I was worrying about the boys. The two get along so well, they are both just gorgeous boys, there was so much laughter and banter. I was forcing myself to have a good time too. I kept reminding myself that everyday is a blessing.

I guess it is normal for me to be jittery today. But I am not going to let my emotions get the better of me.

I am going to listen to hubby (for a change). Yes, he is right, we’ve never had it easy, but we have always submerged, maybe gasping for breath but always submerged and we have come out it. I may have to paddle a bit harder for this times rapid current. But I will keep paddling. It is all going to be alright at the end.

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A return punch after ten years

return punch

This blow has come out of left field.  Not a complete KO, but it has definitely shaken up the ground below.  I find myself in an unusual territory.  Logic is refusing to stay put in my head.  I keep pleading it to stay put, but unknown to me it keeps escaping leaving a stuffed dummy in its place.

Well, I know I am genetic mess.  But, the realization that I could have passed on this mess to my kids seems very hard to swallow.  No one is blaming me, especially my kids.  But I wish they would just scream at me.  Show me that they are angry for what I am going to put them through.  But they joke and carry on like nothing.

It is probably going to be nothing.  And I am worrying over nothing.  Why am I being such a pessimistic heap of mess?  I know the logic, let’s do the test and then worry if we have something to worry about.  That would be the advice I would be giving someone else in that situation.  I am no stranger to waiting for test results.  It has never worried me, but this time I am a mess.  I have to be strong for the boys.  I will be.  Just give me today to rant and rave.

I was supposed to be a miracle for my parents.  When I survived the horrible cancer, once again it was considered a miracle.  Yes, I could either be called “special”, “unique” or another apt word “weird”.  I am a genetic error.  This is not me blurting out in anger. That is the scientific word used in my report, I have a genetic error.

All I ask for is to leave my kids alone.  I will go through anything, I am happy to say “Que sera sera” and deal with absolutely anything, I will endure anything, just leave my kids out of it.

To the man up there, just in case he doesn’t get it.  A mother goes through nine months of pregnancy and then hours of horrid labour, she endures it all, so that her child will be born unharmed.  From day one her model was built to protect that child.  She was programmed to fight for her child no matter the size or might of the opponent.   She has no turn off button.

So a word to the man up there, you are lower than a tadpole when you do this to a mother.  Ask any mother, they will happily take the plague or worse, if that would save her child.

Final words to the man up there, “leave my kids alone” – PLEASE.

Posted in True Story, Inspirational

When memories fail us…

dont forget

It has been a few months since my aunty’s 90th.  A subject that keeps popping up lately but talking to a friend of mine today, who’s mum has now been diagnosed with Dementia the hardships she going through emotionally and physically made me ponder about this subject again.  Years ago my son was involved in a play called the “Also a Mirror” by Sean Riley was based on residents from a Nursing Home primarily suffering from Dementia.  When you come to know these residents, the recipients of this debilitating decease, you understand that each one of them have their own story. Each one of them a special character.  Time to time that individual spunk pops out, refusing to give into the haze of confusion.  But for the family and loved ones who have seen them as larger than life and now to see them belittled by such a blow is a hard pill to swallow.

memories

My aunt had seven kids and she managed the whole show.  My uncle was mostly at sea, he was in the merchant marine, a Chief Engineer.  While he was away, she single handedly managed the house, the kids and the  million guests who arrived daily from all parts of the country for short stays.  She was a tough woman with a soft heart.  Thanks to the power of nagging and care all her seven kids are now successful individuals.  Who have now followed in the footsteps of my Grand Father and have gone forth and multiplied.  I maybe corrected with my numbers, but I believe my aunt now has Twenty something Great Grand kids and counting.

My dad was the youngest of eight kids and the first to depart.  My aunt loved him very much and missed him very much.  This grand woman turned 90 in December and my cousin and his wife held a big party.  Almost the entire clan was here from all nooks of the world.

I was out of ideas for a gift for a woman who had everything and didn’t need anything.  Finally, I decided to write something for her.  Sharing it today for my friend and anyone else who have to go through this with one of their favourites.

 

Memories

Mami – Baby Mami (mami is aunty) – that’s what I have always called you.  I am your brother Rasam’s daughter Uma.

 

You look into my eyes and wonder who I am. It pains you not to remember.

 

You want to remember me but memories fail you. Don’t feel bad mami.  You have lived a life – a whole life – filled with many faces and many hearts.  So, it’s not easy to remember them all.

 

Memories have a habit of giving up on us time to time.  When I was fifteen, I didn’t remember what I did when I was two.  But you reminded me that my dad called me “Nari and nangal” (made pet names by my dad), you reminded me the drama he caused trying to name me. You reminded me that he loved me very much.  And, you reminded me that you loved your brother and missed your brother just the way I did.

 

Even though you have retold the stories of my two year old days many a times, it is still buried memories for me.  But I loved hearing those stories and for that I thank you.

 

Now that you are ninety, it’s my turn to jog your memories. I understand those memories aren’t going to rush back.  It’s okay, for each of us, it is a tale that we enjoyed telling the other.  We just needed each other to share and reminisce, that story. It’s not important that the other remembers that story or not.

 

So let me introduce myself –

I am your youngest brother – one of the twins – Rasam’s daughter – only daughter.  My mum is Pathini.  My dad passed away at the age of 53.  He left a massive hole in all our hearts.  You loved him very much and missed him very much.  The only thing you could do was to love me and that you did.  You did the same for my mum too.  Thank you mami, for being there for us at our time of need.

 

You gave birth to seven beautiful children, and they loved us and supported us too.  You brought them up well mami.  You can be, one proud mother.

 

Now, I am married and have two boys.  I married Customs Nada’s son Ganesh.  He too has many memories of you and your family.  Once again it’s another face that you may not remember but nonetheless another heart that you have touched.

 

So mami it’s not necessary for you to remember us all.

Just remember that you have loved many.

 

And you are loved by all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in True Story, Inspirational

Thirty Two Years of Bliss or BS?

onion saree

Thirty two years ago I put my neck out for the Thali(Traditional Necklace given by the Bridgroom similar meaning as wedding ring)  and extended my hand,  for a ring and I guess that was taken as agreeing with the consensus that we get married.

So we got married thirty two years ago today.  We were two giddy youngsters who didn’t really know what we were getting into.

It’s been a heck of ride alright.  Regrets? yes plenty.  I regret that I didn’t start my taming sooner.  I am finding that it is indeed, hard to train old dogs.

Bliss or BS?  Well, I would be lying if I said it was all a bliss.  But, what would a mother of a two year child say, a two year old with massive tantrums, he is adorable but the tantrums?!!, mm yes her life is not a bliss but she does love her child and her life.  Yes, I do feel like that mother at times.

Some times I wonder if I have rocks in my head.  But then again I realise that sometimes those rocks appear to be diamonds.  But there are those times when they are just the one’s you buy from Bunnings (hardware store) in bulk for your garden.

I don’t think life is never a complete bliss nor a complete disaster.  It is what we make of it.  In my opinion life is always a working progress.  We have our set backs.  But then again those set backs teach us what to avoid the next time and how to progress.

This man next to me has let me learn and experience these things, been supportive of what ever I wanted to do or not do.  When I want to take up work or studies he has been there with the flag and when I want to quit,  again he has been there for that too.   Always stood by me in what ever decision I took.

If this man could support me with life changing decisions, I wonder why he can’t be supportive if I want to change the curtains or the paint the wall?  Why won’t he then take down the Christmas lights when I ask him to? Ok those are big ticket items I agree, how about just take those darn tissues to the bin.  I don’t think those used tissues got wings nor does the breadcrumbs and I am not planning on recycling either of them.  Use the dishwasher, don’t eat salami if you are planning on losing weight – wait, it’s me planning on him losing weight, not him, I get it now @@###.  Just listening would be a start, big old ears, just for decoration. @@## It’s no bliss listening to his BS day after day.

But…

In the scheme of things I come to realise that these are merely misdemeanors that could be easily pardoned with warnings and sometimes threats.  Ahhh!! that’s how he gets away with it every time.

Anyhow, I have come to realise after all this time, that I am a gluten for punishment.  So I think I might be hanging around with this man for the rest of my lifetime.

359
Sun Hiding behind the clouds – Henley Beach South Australia

There has been many sunsets and sunrises in the last thirty two years.  It has been a wild ride Mr Ganesan.  Just like I did thirty two years ago, I am hanging on to my dear life on that pillion seat and never letting it go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in True Story, Inspirational

The Eve of the New Year

This is from Rabbit Patch Diary – One of my favourite fellow blogger.

rabbitpatchdiarycom

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The eve of the new year dawned quietly.  The sky  simply became a silvery blue.  Nature, that does not keep an account of time, as man does, did not give mention that this day was any different than yesterday.  Nature  just goes about its’ business.

In many homes, folks are decorating and fixing fancy foods.  Guests are expected and the midnight hour is highly anticipated.  None of that happens at the rabbitpatch.  New Years’ Eve is a quiet, reflective time for me.  I am likely to re examine the past year, by thinking of all the blessings it yielded.  I will consider my actions in the face of challenges and hope to do better next time.  I will also do laundry and carry the trash out. 

I do not make specific resolutions about things like a better diet or exercise. Far be it from me, to join a gym or…

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Posted in True Story, Inspirational

It has been so long…

been so long

It sure feels that way regarding my presence in the blogging world. Not sure if any of my regular readers would have missed me. And amongst those whom I read and comment, have they been waiting for my feedback?

In the scheme of things we are really an insignificant being. Yet, I refuse to be bound by that thought. I am sure each one of us can be or could be that significant spindle that makes this world go around.


Here’s to a bright 2019.


Why the long silence you ask? well you didn’t ask. Still I feel that I owe it to myself to analyse, come up with excuses as to why I failed to write for so long. If I had failed to write, then that means I had not pondered and mused. I had not stopped my racing brain to stop and take a break. I did not give it an excuse to escape. I have ached to write but I had failed to make the next step.


It’s like tradition, I like to come screeching down, each end of year. But at least no deaths this year. At one stage I thought I was the one gunning for that place, but I have given the man upstairs clear signs to say ‘no thanks’ for the moment. Hopefully he gets the message this time and stops bothering me in the near future.

But even if the man upstairs stops bothering me the doctors haven’t let go of their prime money tree. “Que Sera Sera”

If anyone’s reading, I am okay, minor repairs and maintenance in progress, that’s all.


If that wasn’t exciting enough I decided to increase my work load. This job opportunity did come at an interesting time. My mind was at cross roads. I did not want to pass on such a great opportunity, but timing couldn’t have been any worse. Wasn’t exactly sure if I should add more stress to the already burning pyre. But the offer kept coming back at me with many alternatives and options. My desire to take up a new challenge overtook the hurdles that was staring at me. Final words from Hubby sealed the deal. I know he was reluctant as he feared the same thing, does she need the stress, could she manage the workload with her slightly compromised health. However, he could feel my anguish. With his support and maybe my bullheadedness there is nothing much I can’t do. So I gave my nod.

I had swapped my corporate career for family long time ago, initially because my youngest son decided to be a frequent flyer to the hospital and then his elder brother not wanting to lose the spotlight, lost his hearing and something had to give and it was my career that took the fall. No regrets on my part. I got to see my kids become healthy and happy. I saw them take their first swim, hold the tennis racket and kick the first goal. Along with that I also ran to the hospital many times not because they were sick but more because apparently they were being boys which meant many broken bones and stitches. My part- time flexible career allowed me to attend all the award ceremonies, school dramas and concerts. So, no it was not a sacrifice it was a privilege.

One who couldn’t walk 10 steps without needing the puffer is now a boxer. The other one’s hearing is not 100% but that has not stopped him from achieving what ever he wants. The one couldn’t walk without the puffer could always talk and now he is talking on the radio. On contrary, eldest was not much of a talker but he could always walk the walk and now, involved in building the new driver-less train line in Sydney. Sorry, proud Asian mummy moment slipped out.


The new job was really grueling at the beginning. Work was challenging, sometimes I felt I was out of my depth. It was a good test for my self confidence. The long hours and medications and it’s effects were dueling each other. End of each day I was exhausted. Close family were worried and I would say some are still questioning my decision. But that bullheadedness again, I am not one to throw in the towel so easily.

I am not exactly a religious person. But I guess there is one reason why I put myself on the fence of borderline agnostic rather than an Atheist. Sometimes, some things which are mere coincidences – just mere coincidences, but how does the timing become so apt it is hard to accept it as a mere coincidence.

At first I thought this job came to me at a bad time. Now I think differently. It has been an excellent distraction. I am happy to say that I am in control of my job as well as my health. I haven’t concurred either of them completely. It is a working progress.


Each one of us, is only promised today, tomorrow is a blessing. Let each day count. Even if you want to occupy that couch the entire day watching Netflix, do so because you want to. If you want to make money go ahead, if you want to spend that money, again, do so. It your life, it’s your choice. But just remember choices have consequences.


I like to finish up today with what I started. Yes, we may be an insignificant iota in this universe. But you never know how significant your actions or your words could be to another.

Believing, however small, however insignificant, that each one of us could make a difference, is what starts the process. One’s presence always matters.

Posted in love, True Story, Inspirational

Waiting….

waiting

There is a possibility that hubby would be back home in two days or three.  I am planning to cook up a storm tomorrow.  Cakes,quiche and curries are in the do list.


 

I am waiting to hug and to be hugged

I am waiting like when I was nineteen

What’s wrong me with me I think, I should have enjoyed the peace and quiet

But I was waiting ..

for a phone call or a silly text

I remind myself, I am not nineteen

But I know him better now than when I was nineteen

We have been through so much and love has kept us together

Together we waited for so many things

 

Waiting for the pregnancy test results was nerve wrecking

Waiting for the two bundles to be born was exciting

Waiting at the house auction was nerve wrecking

But together we made all those waits worthwhile

 

I am waiting to see him walk through that door..

Looking slim and slender (HA!HA – I can see the pigs taking off to the air already)

With his arms wide open – Most likely it would be the dog who would get the first greeting

With a bunch of fresh Dandelions for his Girl (Dandelions you ask!!  read my post on the Dandelion Guy – https://uma197.wordpress.com/2017/01/19/the-story-of-the-dandelion-guy/ )

 

Waiting becomes so much more bearable when you can wait with someone.

Waiting becomes worthwhile when you are waiting for that someone.

 

I am waiting to live the rest of my life with my love.